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10:13pm 08/05/2011
i guess moving to SJ wont be so bad, yet why does my heart break at the through of it? I guess its that time in my life again when i fall apart. Job hunt has turned up with nothing even with someone backing me up, no one wants to give me a chance. I think im hitting the low again ...the really low. Last 2 days i havent been able to sleep. Apparently i have developed panic attacks that come whenever they please and my head feels like it will explode. I wish i didnt have to pick up my friend right now, maybe going to the gym to work it off would help, as i have been doing so for last 3 weeks.
LAst night i realized how much my bf lacks affection, as if distance doesnt make it hard, it also makes me realize that i want a guy who will give me flowers just because i had a bad day, someone who wont continuously put his friends first and then act as if he didnt realize that he did it. I just want something nice.
o but who am i kidding

i dont deserve any of it
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Day 3  
10:32pm 30/01/2011
today...was a total failure....i was doing fine in the beginning, everything was going as planned. I woke up early at 8, did laundry , cleaned the house, had my breakfast of fruits and coffee and more fruits, watched a movie, then met up with classmates to study. Thats when it all started going down the hill. First it took us over an hour to find a place where we can sit down and study (ended up in SDSU) hr and half of stusying went ok... then i decided to stop by vons since my shampoo ran out and i saw tha ti had coupons for cheese and chips. So i got those thinking ill save them for next week when adrian is here....but no...i was so hungry that i ended up eating some chips plus 2 sticks of string cheese....there goes my diet to hell. For dinner Ihad soup and veggies fried with little bit of butter and vegetable oil plus salt pepper and garlic. today of all days i wanted to quit. Tomorrow its banana milk and soup day...looking forward to it, im hoping to loose 5 more lbs but i dont see that happening with todays big screw up =( le sadness. Oh well. 143
mood: with my selfwith my self
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Day 2  
07:15pm 29/01/2011
Wow today was harder, I keep on mixing up what to eat which day, today was Veggies soup and potato for dinner. I was going crazy all day and finally i just finished my potato. Instead od baking it I boiled it in skin then i cut up different vegetables and put a little bit of olive oil and canola butter plus garlic, sauted that a little bit and then i added potato into it so i can absorb the taste of garlic. I did cheat a little today, i had 4 little pieces of wheat thins which i highly doubt that it makes much of a difference. Anywho...lets hope i can survive tomorrow....tom is veggies fruit and soup. I cant wait to have my fruits with coffee yumyum
mood: chipperchipper
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Day 1  
12:03am 29/01/2011
I have survived day 1!!!!! I realized how much food there is everyone today, when you are craving anything but soup u notice food, everyone even the smell was driving me crazy!!! i got little mixed up, i thought today was veggies day, it was fruit day instead, so i didnt bring the right stuff to work so i got from from starbucks and of course my soup. Tomorrow I am really looking forward to the potato for dinner =)!!!!! THis is harder than I thought it would be, i deff miss my nice big breakfast....i dunno about eating soup or veggies for breakfast so i think ill just make coffee and try to hold off until lunch., Day 2...here i come
mood: for some carbsfor some carbs
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Day 0 of Sacred Heath Cleansing diet  
01:33am 28/01/2011
I discovered this cleansing diet that was developed for heart patients who were getting ready to undergo surgery and needed to loose weight in a short time. Its pretty brutal but ill try to battle through it. After being at school for 11 hrs i made my way to Vons and got all the goods (well 90%) that ill need for the upcoming week. The diet lass 7 day and u are expected to lose anywhere between 5-15 lbs in those 7 days. Diet is mostly soup base, so at 1130 pm I made 2 large pots of soup for the next week. I tried it and it seems to be tasty, we will see how it will taste 4 days from now. Ill start diet tomorrow, which reminds me....i need to get a scale. To add to my errands for tomorrow i must:
1 pay phone bill
2 get rest of groceries
3 do laundry
4 get gloves for phlebotomy
5 get a scale
6 cut my fruit since tomorrow is fruit and soup day
8 go to work =(

I am kinda excited to see if there will be any changes. I will try to incorporate working out since i have slacked off last few days....going to work in the morning and phlebotomy training at night and trying to squeeze mcats in there ...its just getting insane, so hopefully tomorrow i can get some workout done. Crossing my fingers hopefully this works!!!! If it does...i might give my body 2 day pass and then go back on the diet (YES THAT IS ALLOWED) =) we shall see
mood: contemplativecontemplative
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12:14am 07/05/2010
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Writer's Block: Destined for greatness  
10:32am 28/03/2010
Do you believe that a higher power controls our fate or that we choose our own destinies?

I believe we choose our own destinies. Our future is defined by choices we make everyday.
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01:03am 08/12/2009
How do i get rid of the crazy trailer trash bitch who is in love with my bf and thinks that he gives a damn shit about her and wont stop calling and msging him...online relationship MY ASS...crazy ass bitch
mood: annoyedannoyed
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08:54am 05/12/2009
and so it goes on
mood: apatheticapathetic
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just thinking  
02:45am 02/12/2009
studying for my first final....laying on jasmines floor looking up at the ceiling...a scary realization washed over me...well not so scary...just sad....I realized that the guy i am with now...he is not "The one". yes things might be comfortable now...and before i was trying to find that person in him, and he could have been that guy...but recently the things that i found out just burnt all his chances. So now i feel like...i might be just wasting his and my time. I mean jasmine was right that this is a life experience, this is what we all go through even when we know that the person we are dating is not the person you will spend your life with. And i feel like soon enough our paths will split and we will go our separate ways. scary....I was also able to view one of the videos that the ugly bitch sent him...funny enough, it was pictures of him...most of the taken by me (HAHA) while he was visiting me in SD...o how little does she know.
but back to my thought...I feel like i am ready to find..."the one"....i want to start building a relationship with someone who i know i can spend my life with ...maybe in few years i can start working on that. I feel like he knows that im not "the one"either otherwise he would have dropped everything with her when he started growing feelings for me. So it makes me wonder if he was still looking for something better even thought i know that im one of the best things he has right now. the love that i give him is unconditional...damn im still shaking when i think about everything that has happened.

I really should get back to studying....
mood: mellowmellow
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